With a fragile U.S. economy hanging in the balance and soaring gas prices looming as a threat to any hopes of a recovery, President Obama has announced plans to implement a $240 billion alchemy initiative program to help stimulate the economy.
The plan will include tax breaks to companies who will abandon primitive plans for off-shore oil drilling, for the pursuit of more modern alchemy experiments and production. The President hopes that the new plan will be as wildly successful as the Green Jobs initiative he implemented when he first came into office.
“It’s clear why such an effort is so important,” he said. “Building a robust alchemy sector is how we will create jobs of the future, jobs that will, quite literally, pay for themselves.”
“We boast one critical, renewable resource the rest of the world cannot match,” he continued. “American ingenuity.”
When asked whether or not that ‘American ingenuity’ would actually keep people from being coaxed into supporting such a plan, Obama responded, “I convinced them to vote for me. Anything is possible.”
Pressed for further details about the program, the President said, “Let me be clear. This isn’t rocket science. We leave that to the professionals at our Muslim Outreach Program, er, NASA. What we’re basically doing here is turning other metals into gold. How can that possibly fail?”
He added, “With so much success in the solar energy field, this seems like a logical next step for our Energy Department.”
Steven Chu, when pressed for comment, gave the new alchemy initiative high marks.
“I’d say, better than an A-.”
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I’d sure hate to see what gas prices would be like if he got science grades like, say, an Al Gore or something.
From Congressman Issa:
Secretary of Energy Chu said today that he had earned an A for controlling the price of gas at the pump. At a hearing of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee today, Secretary Chu had the following exchange with Chairman Issa:
“In controlling the cost of gasoline at the pump, do you give yourself an A-?” – Rep. Issa
“Well, the tools we have at our disposal are limited, but I would say I would give myself a little higher – in that since I became Secretary of Energy, I’ve been doing everything I can to get long-term solutions.” – Secretary Chu
Echoing the sentiments of consumers, Chairman Issa said in his hearing statement, that the “Obama DOE was DOA when it came to delivering affordable energy to consumers.”
Issa noted that the price of gasoline today was nearly $4.00—double its average in 2009.
Why Republicans are surprised by this is beyond me. This is a man who in 2008 said the following:
“Somehow we have to figure out how to boost the price of gasoline to the levels of Europe.”
So of course he’d give himself an A. The only thing surprising here is that he didn’t gloat about a ‘mission accomplished.’
Also note that Steven Chu works for the President, a man who wanted higher gas prices.
Remember that every time you’re paying $50, $60, $70 a pop at the gas station – this was the administration’s plan from the get go. Why? So you could drive cars with solar panels on the roof.
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